To say that suicide is selfish is not only wrong-it’s ironically and sadly incredibly self-protective. Just like cancer, it unfortunately doesn’t work that way. I think we do this because we want to believe that if you do everything you’re supposed to do, this will never happen.

We also send strong messages to the people around us, including our children, friends, and employees, when they ask for help and, in return, we treat them differently-as if they are now less reliable, competent, or productive.Īnd when we respond to a tragedy like this one with unfounded comments and criticism about how someone whom most of us didn’t know at all managed her struggle, her meds, her work, her family-whatever the focus-we help create that culture where it feels like help-seeking just opens us up to more pain and judgment. We can encourage our children to ask for help however, if they don’t see us reaching out for support and modeling that behavior, they will instead attach value to never needing help. You would think the universal nature of struggle would make it easier for all of us to ask for help, but in a culture of scarcity and perfectionism, there can still be so much shame around reaching out, especially if we’re not raised to understand the irreducible nature of human need. And if we’re really paying attention, most people have a story that will bring us to our knees. I say dangerous because they’re never true.Įveryone has a story or a struggle that will break your heart. The news of these deaths is a cruel reminder about the realities of depression and anxiety, and about the dangerous stories that we make up about those “successful” people who don’t know anything about pain and never need help. I still wear her jewelry, use her stationery, and love her clothes. My first bag was a giraffe-print “Sam bag”-it took me six months to save enough money to buy it. I carried it every single day for two years. I had so much respect for his fearlessness, transparency, and love of people. I adored his work, and our family made it a point to put all of his recommendations on our travel lists.

I woke up this morning to the news of Anthony Bourdain’s death.

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